DUEL! a RENT parody
by Flame Virgil
Summary: The award winning, Broadway musical RENT seemed like the perfect setting for the colourful characters of Yugioh. When Anzu decides to evict Jou and Malik from their apartment, the duelists can't take that sitting down. Details: many pairings, yaoi
1. Tune Up 1

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

(The audience enters in the theatre to discover a stage bare of curtains. At stage left looms a metal sculpture intended to represent: (a) a totem pole/Christmas tree that stands in an abandoned lot, (b) a wood burning stove with a snaky chimney that is at the center of MALIK and JOU'S loft apartment, and (c) in ACT II, a church steeple. On stage the five musician band performs under a wooden platform surrounded by railing. The wooden platform has a staircase on the upstage side. Downstage left is a black, waist-high rail fence.

MALIK ISHTAR, carrying an electric guitar, enters upstage left and crosses to a guitar amp sitting on a chair at center stage. He casually plugs his guitar into the amp and adjusts the level, then crosses downstage and sits on the table.

After a few chords, the COMPANY, led by KATSUYA JOU, enters from all directions and fills the stage. JOU sets up a small tripod and a 16mm movie camera downstage center, and aimed upstage. He addresses the audience.)

Intro

JOU

We begin on Christmas Eve with me, Jou, and my roommate, Malik. We live in an industrial loft on the corner of 11th street and Avenue B, the top floor of what was once a card-publishing factory. Old rock 'n' roll posters hand on the walls. They have Malik's picture advertising gigs at CBGB's and the Pyramid Club. We have an illegal wood-burning stove; its exhaust pipe crawls up to a skylight. All of our electrical appliances are plugged into one, thick extension cord, which snakes its way out a window. Outside, a small tent city has sprung up in the lot next to our building. Inside, we are freezing because we have no heat.

(He turns the camera to MALIK)

JOU

Smile!

TUNE UP #1

JOU

December 24th, nine pm,

Eastern Standard Time.

From here on in

I shoot without a script.

See if anything comes of it,

Instead of my old shit.

First shot – Malik

Tuning the Fender Guitar

He hasn't played in a year.

MALIK

This won't tune.

JOU

So we hear.

He's just coming back

From half a year of withdrawal.

MALIK

Are you talking to me?

JOU

Not at all.

Are you ready? Hold that focus –

Steady.

Tell the folks at home what you're

Doing Malik…

MALIK

I'm writing one great song –

JOU

The phone rings.

MALIK

Saved!

JOU

We screen.

Zoom in on the answering machine!

_(An actor places a telephone on a chair and we see GRANDPA MUTOU in a special light.)_


	2. Voice Mail 1

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

VOICE MAIL #1

MALIK AND JOU'S OUTGOING MESSAGE

"Speak" (_Beeeep_!)

GRANDPA

That was a very loud beep.

I don't even know if this is working.

Jou – Jou – are you there?

Are you screening your calls?

It's Gramps.

We wanted to call and say we love you

And we'll miss you tomorrow.

Michi and the kids are here – send

Their love.

Oh, I hope you like the hot plate.

Just don't leave it on, sport,

When you leave the house.

Oh and Jou,

We're sorry to hear that Kaiba

Dumped you.

I say c'est la vie.

So let him try some other boy.

There are other fishies in the sea.

Love, Grandpa.

_(Lights fade on GRANDPA and the answering machine.)_


	3. Tune Up 2

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

TUNE UP #2

JOU

Tell the folks at home what you're

Doing Malik.

MALIK

I'm writing one great song –

JOU

The phone rings.

MALIK

Yesss!

JOU

We screen.

MALIK AND JOU'S ANSWERING MACHINE

"Speak" (_Beeeep_!)

_(Lights fade up on the street: the front-door area of JOU and MALIK'S building. Nearby is a battered public pay phone. YAMI BAKURA stands at the phone.)_

BAKURA

"Chestnuts roasting" –

MALIK AND JOU

Bakura!

BAKURA

I'm downstairs.

JOU

Hey!

BAKURA

Malik picked up the phone?

JOU

No, it's me.

BAKURA

Throw down the key.

_(JOU pulls out a small leather pouch and drops it off the apron downstage center as if from a window; a weighted leather pouch plops down from "upstairs." BAKURA catches it.)_

JOU

A wild night is now pre-ordained.

_(Two THUGS appear from above, with clubs. They are obviously close to attacking BAKURA, who says back into the phone...)_

BAKURA

I may be detained.

_(THUGS mime beating and kicking BALURA, who falls to the ground as lights on him fade.)_

JOU

What does he mean…?

_(phone rings)_

What do you mean detained?

_(Lights come up on ANZU, who's on a cellular phone.)_

ANZU

Ho, ho, ho!

JOU AND MALIK

Anzu! Shit.

ANZU

Boys, I'm on my way.

JOU AND MALIK

Great! Fuck.

ANZU

I need the rent.

JOU

What rent?

ANZU

This past year's cards which I let slide.

JOU

Let slide? You said we were "golden."

MALIK

When you bought the building.

JOU

When we were roommates.

MALIK

Remember – you lived here?

ANZU

How could I forget?

You, me, Bakura, and Seto.

How is the fellow?

JOU

He's dueling tonight.

ANZU

I know.

Still his dueling manager?

JOU

Two days ago, I was bumped.

ANZU

You still dating him?

JOU

Last month I was dumped.

MALIK

He's in love.

ANZU

He's got a new man?

JOU  
Well, you see –

ANZU  
What's his name?

JOU AND MALIK  
Yami.

ANZU

Cards, my amigos, are due

Or I will have to evict you.

Be there in a few.

_(MALIK defiantly picks out Musetta's theme from Puccini's La Boheme on the electric guitar. The fuse blows on the amp.)_

JOU  
The power blows…


	4. Rent

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

RENT

_(The COMPANY bursts into a flurry of movement. Then everyone except JOU and MALIK freezes in a group upstage.)_

JOU

How do you document real life

When real life's getting more

Like fiction each day?

Headlines – bread-lines

Blow my mind,

And now this deadline.

"Eviction – or play."

Duel.

MALIK

How do you write a song

When the chords sound wrong

Though they once sounded right and rare?

When the notes are sour

Where is the power

You once had to ignite the air?

JOU

And we're hungry and frozen.

MALIK

Some life that we've chosen.

BOTH

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play

Last year's duel?

JOU

We trade cards.

MALIK

How do you start a fire

When there's nothing to burn

And it feels like something's stuck in

Your flue?

JOU

How can you generate heat

When you can't feel your feet

BOTH

And they're turning blue?

JOU

You light up a mean blaze,

_(MALIK grabs a book.)_

MALIK

With rule books

_(JOU_ _grabs papers on which are scribbled strategies.)_

JOU

And new plays.

BOTH

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play

Last year's duel?

_(Lights go down on the loft and go up on YAMI, who's at the pay phone.)_

YAMI

(_on phone_)

Don't screen, Seto,

It's me – Yami!

Your substitute dueling manager!

Hey, hey, hey! (Did you duel?)

Don't change the subject, Seto.

But darling, you've haven't dueled all day.

You won't get beat.

You won't get beat!

The digital delay –

Didn't overheat (exactly).

There may have been one teeny, tiny blow.

You're not calling Jou!

BAKURA

How do you stay on your feet

When on every street

It's "Trick or Treat"

(And tonight it's "Trick").

"Welcome back to town."

I should lie down.

Everything's brown

And uh-oh.

I feel sick!

JOU

_(At the window)_

Where is he?

BAKURA

Getting dizzy…

(_he collapses)_

JOU AND MALIK

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play?

How we gonna play

Last year's duel?

_(MARK and ROGER stoke the fire. Crosscut to ANZU'S Range Rover.)_

ANZU

(_on cellular phone_)

Pegasus, baby – you sound sad.

I don't believe those two,

After everything I've done.

Ever since our wedding

I'm dirt – they'll see.

I can help them all out in the long run.

_(Three locales: YAMI at the pay phone, JOU and MALIK in their loft, and BAKURA on the ground. The following is sung simultaneously.)_

ANZU

Forces are gathering.

Forces are gathering.

Can't turn away.

Forces are gathering.

BAKURA

Ughhhhh-

Ughhhhh-

Ughhhhh- I can't think.

Ughhhhh-

Ughhhhh-

Ughhhhh- I need a drink.

JOU

_(reading from a script page)_

The music ignites the night with

Passionate fire.

YAMI

Seto – I'm not a cheating person.

MALIK

The narration crackles and pops with

Incendiary wit.

YAMI

Could never be a cheating person.

JOU

Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground,

YAMI

_(realizing he's been cut off)_

Hello?

JOU AND MALIK

And feel the heat of the future's

Glow.

YAMI

Hello?

_(The phone rings in the loft. JOU picks it up.)_

JOU

(_on phone_)

Hello? Seto?

Your equipment won't work?

Okay, all right, I'll go!

JOU AND HALF THE COMPANY

How do you leave the past behind

When it keeps finding ways to get to

Your heart?

It reaches way down deep and tears

You inside out,

'Til you're torn apart.

Duel!

MALIK AND OTHER HALF OF COMPANY

How can you connect in an age

Where strangers, landlords, lovers,

Your own blood cells betray?

ALL

What binds the fabric together

When the raging, shifting winds of change

Keep ripping away?

ANZU

Draw a line in the sand

And then make a stand.

MALIK

Use your camera to spar.

JOU

Use your guitar.

ALL

When the act tough – you call their

Bluff.

MALIK AND JOU

We're not gonna play.

MALIK AND JOU W/HALF THE COMPANY

We're not gonna play.

MALIK AND JOU W/OTHER HALF OF COMPANY

We're not gonna play

ALL

Last year's duel,

This year's duel,

Last year's duel.

Duel, duel, duel, duel, duel.

We're no gonna duel.

MALIK AND JOU

'Cause everything's a duel.


	5. You Okay Honey?

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

YOU OKAY HONEY?

_(The street in front of the pay phone – a HOMELESS MAN appears above on the right. Across the stage, RYOU BAKURA is seated on the Christmas tree sculpture, with a plastic pickle tub balanced like a drum between his knees.)_

A HOMELESS MAN

Christmas bells are ringing.

Christmas bells are ringing.

Christmas bells are ringing.

Somewhere else!

Not here.

_(The HOMELESS MAN exits. RYOU gets a good beat going on the tub, but is interrupted by a moan. He starts to drum again and sees BAKURA limp to downstage-left proscenium.)_

RYOU

You okay honey?

BAKURA

I'm afraid so.

RYOU

They get any money?

BAKURA

No.

Had none to get.

But they purloined my coat.

Well you missed a sleeve! Thanks.

RYOU

Hell, it's Christmas Eve.

I'm Ryou.

BAKURA

Ryou? Indeed.

An angel of the first degree.

Friends call me Bakura – Yami Bakura.

Nice tree…

RYOU

Let's get a band-aid for your knee.

I'll change, there's a "Life Support"

Meeting at nine-thirty.

Yes – this body provides a comfortable home

For the Acquired Immune Deficiency

Syndrome.

BAKURA

As does mine.

RYOU

We'll get along fine.

Get you a coat, have a bite,

Make a night – I'm flush.

BAKURA

My friends are waiting-

RYOU

You're cute when you blush.

The more the merry – ho, ho, ho!

And I do not take no.

_(RYOU and BAKURA walk off stage right.)_


	6. Tune Up 3

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

TUNE UP #3

_(Lights come up on the loft.)_

MALIK

Where are you going?

JOU

Seto calls...

MALIK

You're such a sucker!

JOU

I don't suppose you'd like to see his duel in the lot tonight? _(MALIK shrugs)_ Or come to dinner?

MALIK

Zoom in on my empty wallet.

JOU

Touché. Take your AZT.

Close on Marik.

His girlfriend, Ami,

Left a note saying "We've got AIDS"

Before slitting his wrists in the

Bathroom.

_(JOU exits.)_

MALIK

I'm writing one great song before I...


	7. One Song Glory

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

ONE SONG GLORY

MALIK

One song

Glory.

One song

Before I go.

Glory.

One song to leave behind.

Find one song,

One last refrain.

Glory

From the pharaoh's keeper

Who wasted opportunity.

One song.

He had the world at his feet.

Glory

In the eyes of a young girl.

A young girl…

Find glory

Beyond the cheap colored cards.

One song

Before the sun sets –

Glory – on another empty life.

Time flies – time dies.

Glory. One blaze of glory.

One blaze of glory. Glory.

Find

Glory

In a song that rings true,

Truth, like a blazing fire.

An eternal flame…

Find

One song.

A song about love.

Glory

From the soul of a young man,

A young man.

Find

The one song

Before the virus takes hold.

Glory

Like a sunset.

One song

To redeem this empty life.

Time flies,

And then no need to endure anymore.

Time dies.

_(MALIK is interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. He expects it to be JOU.)_

MALIK

The door.

_(MALIK crosses to the door.)_


	8. Light My Candle

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Isis Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

LIGHT MY CANDLE

MALIK

What'd you forget?

_(MALIK opens the door and is surprised to see YAMI MARIK, a beautiful stranger from downstairs. MARIK enters, holding the millennium rod "candle" and looking for a match – his electricity is down, too.)_

MALIK

What'd you forget?

MARIK

Got a light?

MALIK  
I know you? You're-

You're shivering.

MARIK

It's nothing.

They turned off my heat,

And I'm just a little

Weak on my feet.

Would you light my candle?

What are you staring at?

MALIK

Nothing.

Your hair in the moonlight…

You look familiar.

_(He lights her candle. MARIK starts to leave, but stumbles.)_

Can you make it?

MARIK

Just haven't eaten much today.

At least the room stopped spinning.

Anyway, what?

MALIK

Nothing.

Your smile reminded me of-

MARIK

I always remind people of – who is she?

MALIK

She died. Her name was Ami.

_(MARIK discreetly blows out the candle.)_

MARIK

It's out again.

Sorry about your friend.

Would you light my candle?

_(MALIK lights the candle. They linger, awkwardly.)_

MALIK

Well-

MARIK

Yeah. Ow!

MALIK

Oh. The wax – it's-

MARIK

Dripping! I like it between my-

MALIK

Fingers. I figured…

Oh well. Goodnight.

_(MARIK exits. MALIK heads back toward his guitar on the table. There is another knock, which he answers.)_

It blew out again?

MARIK

No, I think that I dropped my stash.

MALIK

I know I've seen you out and about

When I used to go out.

Your candle's out.

MARIK

I'm illin'.

I had it when I walked in the door.

It was pure!

Is it on the floor?

MALIK

The floor?

_(MARIK gets down on all fours and starts searching the floor for her stash. She looks back at MALIK, who is staring at her again.)_

MARIK

They say I have the best ass below

14th Street.

Is it true?

MALIK

What?

MARIK

You're staring again.

MALIK

On no.

I mean you do – have a nice –

I mean – you look familiar.

MARIK

Like your dead girlfriend?

MALIK

Only when you smile,

But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere

Else.

MARIK

Do you go to the Winged Ra Club?

That's where I work. I dance. Help me

Look.

MALIK

Yes!

They used to tie you up.

MARIK

It's a living.

_(MARIK douses the flame again.)_

MALIK

I didn't recognize you

Without the handcuffs.

MARIK

We could light the candle.

Oh, won't you light the candle?

_(MALIK lights it again.)_

MALIK

Why don't you forget that stuff?

You look like you're sixteen.

MARIK

I'm nineteen, but I'm old for my age.

I'm just born to be bad.

MALIK

I once was born to be bad.

I used to shiver like that.

MARIK

I have no heat, I told you.

MALIK

I used to sweat.

MARIK

I got a cold.

MALIK

Uh huh.

I used to be a junkie.

MARIK

But now and then I like to

MALIK

Uh huh.

MARIK

Feel good.

MALIK

Here it – um…

_(MALIK stoops and picks up a small object: MARIK'S stash.)_

MARIK

What's that?

MALIK

Magic card wrapper…

_(MALIK puts it behind his back and into his pocket.)_

MARIK

We could light the candle.

_(MALIK discreetly blows out the candle.)_

What'd you do with my candle?

MALIK

That was my last match.

MARIK

Our eyes'll adjust. Thank God for

The moon.

MALIK

Maybe it's not the moon at all.

I hear Miasaki's shooting down

The street.

MARIK

Bah humbug… bah humbug…

_(MARIK places his hand under MALIK'S, pretending to do it by accident.)_

MALIK

Cold hands…

MARIK

Yours too.

Big. Like my protectorate's.

You wanna dance?

MARIK

With you?

MARIK

No. With my protectorate.

MALIK

I'm Malik.

MARIK

They call me,

They call me Marik.

_(They come extremely close to a kiss. MARIK reaches into MALIK'S pocket, nabs the stash, waves it in front of his face, and makes a sexy exit.)_

**First Author's Note**: Do you know just how hard it was to think of something that even remotely rhymed with Malik? The original wording if "father" but Malik and Marik never really... liked (is the best way to put it) their father, protectorate seems to work. And it sort of rhymes... right?


	9. Voice Mail 2

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes 

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

VOICE MAIL #2

_(In YAMI'S loft, in a blackout another phone rings. We see SETO KAIBA in silhouette.)_

SETO

Hello. You have reached Seto Kaiba and Yami. Leave a message and don't forget "Over the Moon," my duel, protesting the eviction of the Homeless (and duelists) from the Eleventh Street Lot - tonight at midnight in the lot between A and B. Party at Life Café to follow. ("Beep!")

_(SHADI and MANA, YAMI'S parents, appear in a special light.)_

SHADI

Well, Yami, we're off.

I tried you at the office

And they said you're battle managing

Or something...

MANA

Remind him that those unwed mothers in Tokyo

Need his legal help, too.

SHADI

Call Mako for our itinerary, or Keichi at Pound Ridge,

Or Espa at the state department in a pinch.

We'll be at the spa for New Year's...

Unless the senator changes his mind.

MANA

The hearings?

SHADI

Oh yes, boyo,

Mummy's confirmation hearing begins on the tenth.

We'll need you – alone – by the sixth.

MANA

Shadi!

SHADI

You hear that?

It's three weeks away

And she's already nervous.

MANA

I am not!

SHADI

For Mummy's sake, boyo,

No Gothic boots this time, and wear a suit…

Oh! Yami, have a merry –

MANA

And a tie!


	10. Today 4 U

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes 

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

TODAY 4 U

_(JOU and MALIK'S loft.)_

JOU

Enter Yami Bakura – arsenal genius, fighter, and vagabond anarchist who ran naked through the Parthenon.

_(BAKURA carries RYOU'S pickle tub, now filled with provisions.)_

JOU AND BAKURA

Red Eyes – Blue Eyes,

Magicians by the bunch.

A deck of Master Crunch will work so good!

BAKURA

And firewood.

JOU

Look! It's Santa Claus!

BAKURA

Hold your applause.

MALIK

Oh, hi.

BAKURA

"Oh, hi?" After seven months?

MALIK

Sorry.

BAKURA

This boy could use some Stoli.

BAKURA, JOU, AND MALIK

Oh, Holy Night.

MALIK

You struck gold at the Fight Club?

BAKURA

They expelled me for my theory of Actual Reality,

Which I'll soon impart

To the couch potatoes at Battle City.

Still haven't left the house?

MALIK

I was waiting for you, don't you know?

BAKURA

Well, tonight's the night!

Come to the Life Café after Seto's duel.

MALIK

Not cool.

BAKURA

Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve,

Whose charity is only matched by talent, I believe,

A new member of the Alphabet City avant-garde,

Ryou Bakura-san!

_(RYOU sashays in. He's gorgeously done up in Santa drag, with a fan of twenty dollar bills in each hand.)_

RYOU

Today for you – tomorrow for me!

_(The music starts up, a fun cha-cha beat.)_

Today for you – tomorrow for me!

BAKURA

And you should hear her beat!

JOU

You earned this on the street?

RYOU

It was my lucky day today on Avenue A,

When a lady in a limousine drove my way.

She said, "Dahling. Be a dear. Haven't slept in a year.

I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear.

This Akita – Evita – just won't shut up.

I believe if you play non-stop that pup

Will breathe its very last high-strung breath.

I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death."

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

We agreed on a fee. A thousand dollar guarantee.

Tax-free! And a bonus, if I trim her tree.

Now who could foretell that it would go so well,

But sure as I am here that dog is now in doggy hell.

After an hour, Evita, in all her glory,

On the window ledge of that 23rd story,

LikeTidus andYuna did when they got the blues,

Swan dove into the courtyard of the Gracie Mews.

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

_(RYOU does a fabulous drum and dance solo.)_

Then back on the street where I met my sweet,

Where he was moaning and groaning on the cold concrete.

The nurse took him home for some Mercurochrome,

And I dressed his wounds and got him back on his feet.

Sing it!

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

Today for you – tomorrow for me.

Today for you – tomorrow for me!


	11. You'll See

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes 

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

YOU'LL SEE

_(ANZU enters the loft and begins to yell out the window.)_

ANZU

Joy to the world!

Hey you bum – yeah, you, move over.

Get your ass off that range rover.

JOU

That attitude toward the homeless is just what

Seto is protesting tonight.

_(He holds up the camera to ANZU.)_

Close up: Anzu Mazaki, our ex-roommate who married Maximillian Pegasus, of the Westport Pegasus' – then who bought the building and the lot next door from her brother-in-law in hopes of starting a cyber-dueling arena.

ANZU

Seto is protesting

Losing his dueling space.

Not my attitude.

MALIK

What happened to Anzu?

What happened to her heart

And the ideals she once pursued?

ANZU

The owner of that lot next door

Has a right to do with it as she pleases.

BAKURA

Happy birthday, Jesus!

ANZU

The cards?

JOU

You're wasting your time.

MALIK

We're broke.

JOU

And you broke your word! This is absurd!

ANZU

There is one way you won't have to pay...

MALIK

I knew it!

ANZU

Next door, the home of Cyberduel, you see?

And now that block is re-zoned,

Our dream can become a reality.

You'll see, boys.

You'll see, boys.

A state of the art, digital, virtual interactive arena!

I'll forego your rent and on paper guarantee,

That you can stay here for free!

If you do me one small favor.

JOU

What?

ANZU

Convince Seto Kaiba to cancel his protest.

JOU

Why not just get an injunction or call the cops?

ANZU

I did. And they're on stand by.

But my investors would rather

I handle this quietly.

MALIK

You can't quietly wipe out an entire tent city

Then watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV!

ANZU

You want to produce films and write songs?

You need somewhere to do it!

It's what we used to dream about.

Think twice before you pooh-pooh it.

You'll see, boys.

You'll see, boys.

You'll see – the beauty of an arena

That lets us do our work and get paid.

With condos on the top

Whose rent keeps open our shop.

Just stop the protest

And you'll have it made.

You'll see – or you'll pack.

_(ANZU exits.)_

RYOU

That girl could use some Prozac.

MALIK

Or heavy drugs.

JOU

Or group hugs.

BAKURA

Which reminds me,

We have a detour to make tonight.

Anyone who wants to can come along.

RYOU

Life Support's a group for people coping with life.

You don't have to stay for too long.

JOU

First, I've got a protest to save.

RYOU

Malik?

MALIK

I'm not much company you'll find.

JOU

Behave!

RYOU

He'll catch up later, he's just got other things on his mind.

You'll see, boys!

JOU AND BAKURA

We'll see, boys!

MALIK

Let it be, boys.

BAKURA

I like boys.

RYOU

Boys like me!

ALL

We'll see.


	12. Tango: Maureen

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes 

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

TANGO: MAUREEN

_(In the lot, YAMI is reexamining the cable connections for the umpteenth time. JOU enters into the lot from stage left.)_

JOU

And so into the abyss... the lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.

YAMI

_(playing with some wires)_

"Line in..." I went to Harvard for this?

JOU

Close on Jou's nosedive.

YAMI

"Line out..."

JOU

Will he get out of here alive?

_(YAMI notices JOU approaching.)_

YAMI

Jou?

JOU

Hi.

YAMI

I told him not to call you.

JOU

That's Seto.

But can I help since I'm here?

YAMI

I hired and engineer...

JOU

Great! Well, nice to have met you!

YAMI

Wait! She's three hours late!

_(A slow tango rhythm begins to be played out by the band.)_

YAMI

The samples won't delay,

But the cable...

JOU

There's another way.

Say something.

Anything.

_(YAMI grabs the mike.)_

YAMI

Test – One, two, three...

JOU

Anything but that.

YAMI

This is weird.

JOU

It's weird.

YAMI

Very weird.

JOU

Fuckin' weird.

YAMI

I'm so mad

That I don't know what to do.

Fighting with microphones...

Freezing down to my bones...

And to top it all off,

I'm with you!

JOU

Feel like going insane?

Got a fire in your brain

And you're thinking

Of drinking

Ethanol?

YAMI

As a matter of fact...

JOU

Yami, I know this act!

It's called

"The Tango Seto."

The Tango Seto!

It's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round.

As he keeps you dangling...

YAMI

You're wrong!

JOU

Your heart he's mangling!

YAMI

It's different with me!

JOU

And you toss and you turn

'Cause his cold eyes can burn.

Yet you yearn and you churn

And rebound.

YAMI

I guess I finally know...

JOU AND YAMI

The Tango Seto!

JOU

Has he ever pouted his lips

And called you...

"Puppy?"

YAMI

Never.

JOU

Have you ever doubted a kiss,

Or two?

YAMI

This is... spooky.

Did you swoon when he

Walked through the door?

JOU

Every time.

So be cautious.

YAMI

Did he moon

Over other girls?

JOU

More than moon-

YAMI

I'm getting

Nauseous.

_(The two begin to tango, with JOU leading.)_

JOU  
Where'd you learn to tango?

YAMI  
With the French Ambassador's son in hir dorm room at Mr. Porter's. And you?

JOU  
With Nanette Himmelfarb. The Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.

_(They switch, and YAMI leads.)_

JOU

It's hard to do this backwards.

YAMI  
You should try it in heels!  
He cheated!

JOU  
He cheated.

YAMI  
Seto cheated!

JOU  
Fuckin' cheated!

YAMI  
I'm defeated!  
I should give up right now.

JOU  
Got to look on the bright side,  
With all of your might-

YAMI  
I'd fall for him still anyhow.

BOTH  
When you're dancing his dance  
You don't stand a chance.  
His grip of romance  
Make you fall.

JOU  
So you think "Might as well

YAMIS  
"Dance a tango to hell.

BOTH  
"At least I'll have tangoed at all."  
The Tango Seto,  
Got to dance till your diva is through.  
You pretend to believe him  
'Cause in the end you can't leave him.  
But the end it will come,  
Still you have to play dumb,  
Till you're glum and you bum  
And turn blue.

JOU  
Why do we love when he says no?

YAMI  
And he can be your greatest foe.

JOU  
Try the mike!

YAMI  
My Seto… _(Reverb: to, to, to...)_

JOU  
Patched!

YAMI  
Thanks.

JOU  
You know, I feel great now!

YAMI  
I feel lousy…  
_(The pay phone rings. JOU hands it to YAMI.)_  
Honey, we're... _(pause)_ Puppy?  
You never call me Puppy...  
Forget it, we're patched.

_(He hangs up, looks at JOU.)_

BOTH  
The Tango Seto!


	13. Life Support

**Yugioh**

_DUEL – a RENT parody_

**Disclaimer**: Although I wish I owned the cast of _Yugioh_, sadly I do not. I've often asked myself, "If not the whole cast, then at least Malik. Yum." But alas. I also cannot be credited for RENT. Jonathan Larson (February 4, 1960 – January 25, 1996) created the plot, the characters, and the music. His sudden, unexpected death on the day before his dream came true is the stuff of tragedy.

**Rating**: R for language and adult content

**Genre**: Angst/Romance/Humor/Parody

**Pairings**: The pairings for this parody are as follow: Malik/Marik, Bakura/Ryou, Seto/Yami, and Anzu/Pegasus (whom you never see).

**Summary**: Anzu is Jou and Malik's former roommate. With the help of her wealthy brother-in-law, Anzu has bought the building in which Jou and Malik live, and the lot next door that is inhabited by a group of homeless people. Anzu wants to build a high-tech, cyber-dueling arena on the property. Toward this end, she plans to clear the homeless from the lot and evict all the tenants from the building, including Jou and Malik. Jou's former lover, Seto, schedules a duel protest of Anzu's scheme for midnight on Christmas Eve. Anzu offers a deal to Jou and Malik: if they can convince Seto to stop his duel, they can stay in the building rent-free.

The Cast and Notes 

Roger Davis ... Malik Ishtar

Mark Cohen ... Katsuya Jounichi (Jou)

Tom Collins ... Yami Bakura

Benjamin Coffin III ... Anzu Mazaki

Joanne Jefferson ... Yami

Angel Schunard ... Ryou Bakura

Mimi Marquez ... Yami Marik

Maureen Johnson ... Seto Kaiba

Allison Grey-Coffin ... Pegasus (never seen)

Mark's mom ... Grandpa Mutou

Mr. Jefferson ... Shadi

Mrs. Jefferson ... Mana

Gordon ... Yugi Mutou

Steve ... Mokuba Kaiba

Paul ... Katsuya Shizuka

Alexi Darling ... Mai Kujaku

Roger's mom ... Ishizu Ishtar

Mr. Grey ... Hiroto Honda

**Note**: Un-named characters (such as cops and carolers) will be named only if they mention their own name in dialogue, but they are not listed above.

**Also note**: The gender of characters does not change because of their role (although Ryou is a drag queen...). The cast listed above is mostly for my benefit.

**Also, also note**: There is one character death in this play, but it was not my intention. So, please, no flames. Thank you.

ACT I

LIFE SUPPORT

_(RYOU and BAKURA attend an AIDS Life Support group. SHIZUKA, the support leader, sits on the downstage railing above. YUGI, one of the members of the group, is standing downstage left, facing the audience. As the members enter, they introduce themselves and form a semicircle. Note: The names of the support group members should change every night and should honor actual friends of the company who have died of AIDS.)_

MOKUBA 

Mokuba.

YUGI

Yugi.

UTSUGI

Utsugi.

HIKARU

Hikaru.

MINA

Mina.

RYOU

Hi, I'm Ryou.

BAKURA

Yami. Bakura.

SHIZUKA

I'm Shizuka. Let's begin.

ALL

There's only us.

There's only this.

_(JOU blusters in noisily.)_

JOU

Sorry… excuse me… oops!

SHIZUKA

And you are?

JOU

Oh. I'm not…

I'm just here to…

I don't have…

I'm here with…

Um… Jounichi.

Jounichi. I'm Jou.

Well, this is quite an operation.

SHIZUKA

Sit down, Jou.

We'll continue the affirmation.

ALL

Forget regret or life is yours to miss.

YUGI

Excuse me Shizuka. I'm having a problem

With this…

This credo-

My health points are low.

I regret that news, okay?

SHIZUKA

Alright.

But Yugi, how do you feel today?

YUGI

What do you mean?

SHIZUKA

How do you feel today?

YUGI

Okay.

SHIZUKA

Is that all?

YUGI

Best I've felt all year.

SHIZUKA

The why choose fear?

YUGI

I'm a duelist.

Fear's my life!

Look, I find some of what you teach

Suspect

Because I'm used to relying on intellect,

But I try to open up to what I don't know.

YUGI AND MALIK (who sings from his loft)

Because reason says I should have died

Three years ago.

ALL

No other road.

No other way.

No day but today.


End file.
